Written by Max Gross, 21 February 2025

It’s coming.

Yes, folks, Australia’s federal election circus looms. And an eye-watering, mind-numbing deluge of unbelievable bullshit has already been flooding the zone for months.

Which of the entrenched, dusty, crusty and rusty political Duopoly will get its turn sitting in the Big Chair this time around, hmm?

Yes, I fucking well know we have an excellent preferential voting system here Down Under and any voter with a functioning brain and a moral spine will vote strategically but, dear reader, permit me to randomly ruminate awhile as I sip this fine Woolworths discount Scotch whiskey and scoff salted peanuts like… salted peanuts.

Yes, we all know the current temporary chair sitter has all the charisma, credibility and hope as week-old roadkill, but ponder too the proposed alternative, the Other political and socio-economically dead ‘roo.

Deadeyes Dutton!

He lies like he breathes. His atavistic instinct is to lie.

It’s an automatic knee-jerk response without a single fleeting flickering neuronal spark. Instantly. Thoughtlessly. Constantly. Even when… correction! especially when his lies are so easily and just as instantly debunked.

Ex-Queensland cop Peter Dutton – just like ex-human bean Donald J Trump and current interim POTUS that Obergruppenfuhrer Kartoffelpuffer preceded onto the political stage – has no self-awareness, no empathy, no basic human decency or humanity and no fucking shame whatsoever.

There just isn’t anything inside his skull but white noise – very, very white bread white noise.

Peter Dutton will say and do anything he thinks might appeal to fellow knuckle-draggers, rabid racists, mindlessly seething haters and dim-witted mouth-breathers. He – like deranged Mob Boss Trump – is a clear and present danger to the remaining shreds of our assumed democratic and human rights.

Yes, mi lovelies, I know Anthony Elbow-easy, our current interim prime minister, is not only a disappointment, a mealy-mouthed, jelly-backed, torpor-inducing slug and traitor to the Labor Party’s policy platform and usual supporters, but he is also a Zionist lobby stooge and an embarrassingly and blatantly abject US lick-spittle.

Fucksake! Anthony Albatross rubber-stamped his batshit crazy evangelist predecessor’s AUKUS scam with less than 24 hours notice and no fucking scrutiny whatsoever!

Fucksake fucksake! Anthony Alibaba PM doesn’t dare even whisper the word genocide.

Hey! Anthony! Try this. Repeat after me. It’s not really so difficult. The syllables are quite easy to pronounce. Go on, give it a shot, and encourage Penny to have a go. Come on, let’s do it together. Deep breath. Yes, it’s okay to close your eyes. Ready? Here we go!

G_E_N_O_C_I_D_E.

Well done, Antonio! Here, have a second term in government and a second turn of sitting in the grown up’s chair.

But wait! as always, there’s more!

Now that AlabanEASY’s timid, limp-dick, small target, softly-softly-catchee-monkey strategy that he applied throughout his tenure in opposition is an entrenched official embarrassment and strategic failure, does he WANT Labor to be reduced to minority government or – worst scenario – lose to Deadeyes Dutton? Has he secretly decided to retire in comfort and privilege to his bayside mansion with his new Missus and abandon Australia to the venal rapacity of the LNP crooks, creeps and crackpots???

Questions, questions, questions and yes, I will top up that tumbler and add fresh ice cubes like a fucking bloody Yank!

But, dear reader, whoever and whatever you vote for in the imminent federal election shitshow, do NOT vote for the Baddest MP or anybody else in that cesspit of mediocrity, stupidity, depravity and venal rapacity: the L/NP.

Those blood-sucking fuckers won’t just screw the country, they will screw YOU! With a pineapple! With no lube!!!